Thoughts on trusting your beliefs
It is funny how much of your knowledge can slowly become inaccessible. I know the answers to all of the questions in my head, because I have already answered them before, but I just cant process them. It is as if you know that 2 + 2 ≠5, but you cant count. I guess such moments build trust in yourself and youor beliefs, trust in that when you are going to remember how to count again everything will make sense. You just have to believe that it is worth it.
So many things feels tempting in this situation - status, money, luxury. Deep down I know it is almost completely useless and doesnt reflect what I want to do with my life, but in the moment it just feels like an answer, in theory it brings at least some ease. Some cognitive capacity is required to look beyond the basic sensations. I don't really like focusing too much on the fact that currently I am exhausted, but I can't deny it either. Sometimes it is even hard to comprehend the scale of it.
What really keeps me going is my experience. I have been through these things, I know they are artificial, I know they are temporary, I just need some time to be able to understand it again. And it is weird to observe, my problems have nothing to do with physical needs, which makes it appear like they are not even there. Yet somehow the situation I am in is inherently wrong, it is just obvious. Took me a long time to admit it. Thank you.