Thoughts on thoughts
I dont know what is going on honestly. The pressure to write is enormous, yet I am still trying to do it right, whatever that means. The idea is that whatever it is I write - it is still me. Or is it? I dont know. But I have to be open at least at some place. Thats all I can say at the moment. But I did it, I wrote, as I wanted to do. Maybe there are many more benefits in doing it this way than I expected at first.
But again, what is the point of this post? Does it have any inherent meaning for others? Not really. And I am not sure what to do about it. Because I want to keep the main point that made me start writing in the first place - honesty. And writing about things I am not interested in is dishonest by definition. Or maybe it is not. Thats not the point, anyway.
It is funny how I never considered not being interesting for other people at a certain moment as normal. It has its reasons, clearly, but being unintresting also feels like part of human experience.
Maybe it may be more interesting than I thought at first, maybe it is just a kind of format, maybe even a new format. Yet, as I said, it is not the main point to give other people interesting ideas from my head. Though it can be a benefit, which is good. Whatever.
I am not sure whether there will be a pattern in these posts, clearly there doesnt have to be one. I am just still trying to formalize it, turn it into a product, a brand, a soulless content production for general audiences, which is how I protect myself, by hiding away what I truly think. Even now, I try to figure out what kind of format it is that I am writing right now, try to find the rules and general structure, general way of thinking. But I dont want anything general. General is the opposite of what I want to do. I want specificity, in some metaphorical way.
I love learning. But there is something weird about it in my case. As if studying makes me earn some social points, gives me a slightly higher status. But only in certain topics, only in topics that I have been taught to percieve as part of my unquestionable destiny. Maybe I haven't been taught it... It is so weird and confusing, when intentions teach you one thing and words deny it aftwrwards.
I should really stop for now. I am proud for writing this whole block that could have just stopped at the first sentence. Sometimes it will stop. And it is part of the idea. Anyway, thanks to everyone who has read this, means a lot to me.