Thoughts on the tasks that lie ahead
Absolutely nothing. Complete apathy and confusion. I really don’t know what’s going on. I guess these are the moments that truly test your dedication. It seems that if you hold something in your head long enough, it might become less intimidating. So many decisions have to be made, and I’m just not ready. I suppose this is how it will always be - it seems to be a part of life. Unfortunately, it doesn’t get any easier either. I just watch myself slipping further back. It doesn’t stop. So I have to do something - the next step. I’m just not sure what that’s supposed to look like.
On one hand I have a dream. I have a dream of financial independence. Pretty materialistic, yet the whole process of making it a reality, of building, of solving - I just love it. It is risky, it requires time, it requires going through a lot of pain, but I want to do it.
On the other hand, I have the option to go to a university. It should have been much easier in my case. I would have just gone to one of the local universities in my home country - it would have been a pretty straightforward process. I had met every requirement. But now, it's the third time my family and I have moved, and it just doesn’t stop. Where should I study? How do I get there? Should I study at all? I don’t really feel it anymore, but there used to be so much status wrapped around the idea of attending college. Not having a degree felt like a form of social death. Still, nothing is clear.
The third thing might be the most important - finding people who understand you. This blog is my first step on that journey, and I suppose it’s not the final one. The first problem is that it too requires resources and thought. I don’t think there’s a single thing you can do continuously that will just make everything work out. The second problem is that it’s kind of necessary. It took me so long to realize that. I have some good connections, but they’re just not enough, unfortunately, and that’s not even considering all the toxic ones. I see it as the soil, the foundation. First, you need water, then food, and then a tribe. Over the years, the lack of proper communication has been so exhausting. It’s weird in the sense that it doesn’t cause immediate physical damage, like thirst, but over time, it’s just crushing. You can cope - it’s completely doable - but it slowly becomes harder and harder, and you slowly become weaker and weaker. At the same time, saying "Oh, I will only be able to do something if my need for connection is met properly" is a kind of sabotage. It’s like waiting for a miracle to happen.
These tasks are hard, but completely doable. The main issue is that each one requires resources - often a lot of them. I’m still doing everything I can, even if sometimes it’s not much. Yet, these are the things that will almost define my entire life, so I’m treating them with the importance they deserve. We will see how it goes.
If you have anything to add or share, please feel free to contact me at nikitacuber@gmail.com. Thank you for taking the time to read this.