Thoughts on social interactions
I feel like I am afraid of certain social interactions. For me a social interaction would usually mean an icreaddible amount of twisting, pretending and playing a role. It feels like it has always been that way. And while thats reasonable, I wonder if there is a different way, because it may work when you are familiar with the environment, but this doesn't seem to be the case for me. And I cant just avoid it altogether, but doing it this way is incredibly draining.
On the other hand I can write, publicly, somewhat, and it isn't that hard anymore, doesnt feel draining at all. Maybe it is possible to do something like that but in real life? To just say what you think? I dont really know, maybe after some time it will work that way, but clearly not at the moment. It is not that I dont want to talk to people, I just dont want to perform, again.
It is also confusnig, because I believe I posses quite decent social skills, I just cant use them because there is too much on the table. Its terrible, honestly. I mean I know what this is and why it happens, but the experience is so unpleasant that it is hard to describe it. Really, when I see even a glimpse of understaning in someone, everything just twists inside me and ties into a knot, thats how desperate this need is biologically. I know whats happening logically, I know that it is such a small sign that it doesnt really mean anything, but the hunger for it is just immense, it is like messing it up is the question of life and death, which it is, evolutionary. I just hope it will get easier, yet it is not easy to build a new environment. I don't really have any other options, though.