Thoughts on human depth
That's so strange. First of all, this post is not written in the morning like every other one, and second of all, it is somethnig I have never really thought about. What if I am afraid of my own depth? It took me some time to even acknowledge that it is possible, because in my mind it is an ultimate manifestation of pretentiousness. Many of my characteristics do not suggest blatant brilliance, but what if it is the case? It would explain why I am so confused.
For so long there was something so big I was always carrying behind my back, some calling, as if life could be different. But it felt like a separate part of reality with no connections to the one I am living in. Yet, what if the only thing that separates them was me admitting it? What if there indeed is some depth to explore that was just forgotten, buried deep down, because it was always ridiculed, and I never really gave it a chance? It is just there, but there is nowhere to put it, it just feels superfluous, unnecessary. So much thought - unused. It has always felt like something is not right, like it is not me. But this actually makes sense. I wonder how many people just gave up on their own depth. That is really sad to think about. Yet I dont want this to be my case. At least I unerstand it now.
And it is also interesting that I am used to thinking that ideas are the heart of it all. I was always curious about people who have lots of ideas, I believe I have many ideas myself, but it just doesnt seem like a decent basis for connection. Ideas feel more like a cognitive excercise - cold and distant. There is something bigger that is missing, and I dont yet have a name for it. It is something fundamental, perhaps even obvious, but I just cant name it. I think that's what I will be thinking about today. Thank you.