Thoughts on honesty in confusion
I dont know what to write. So I will begin. I feel like some things start to change, slowly, but they do. Something soothes a little bit. Maybe this whole writing thing won't turn out to be a magical road to what I am looking for, but I think it will be a really innteresting and transformative experience. I am glad I have started.
But now I am confused again. I dont really have any connection to what I was doing and planning to do before. I am just writing because it makes me feel better, and I know that this is what I wanted anyway. Maybe thats how it works in general. I have always wanted to do so many things, and I knew how it would feel to do it, but I just never got to it. And this is what I was looking for all this time, it seems.
I hope I just wont slip away into some knid of performance again, into writing what I think is right or of intnerest to general audience. Right now it is just confusion. I used to have some clear vision and understanding about why I am writing something and why it would "work", or just knew that I currently don't have this understanding but still remembered what it was about. But now it is just nothing, I just write. No conscious reasons, no questions, no expectations. I am still trying to do it somewhat "right", but it is almost a completely different thing now.
I also feel like my previous experiences start to surface. Even right now, as I am writing it. And I have been postponing them for years, either from lack of resources or lack of understanding. But now it just comes back, and I am slowly processing it every day. It feels like your life gets tied together, it becomes unified rather than past week + all the previous things I dont want to recall right now.
Uh, but how do I check if all of this is honest. I don't know. I guess it is, I did not even remember that I was trying to write something honest, at least in this case. I guess that's it for now.