Thoughts on everything becoming clearer
Today I woke up scared. No exact reason, it just happens sometimes, though it is clearly not a good thing. Sometimes my body needs to discharge, I guess. It is great that in such cases I can just write some music, it really helps.
Yet again I forgot what the clear goal of me writing this is, I feel like I am writing all of this just because it feels good, maybe even on some existential level, because the feeling of the purpose of all of this didn't go away.
Maybe this "I have to be honest" attitude doesn't even work? Maybe you just are, and that's it, you are honest? I am so used to perfoming and shapeshifting that at one point everything just became confusing. But I feel like I am getting there, writing really changes me. You just say what you think, and somehow it turns out to be you and not something you have to be. I don't really see the whole picture at the moment, because I am exhausted, but I feel like this is really it. And it is so liberating, it looks like the more you understand in general, the less you feel the need to change anything, the more you understand, the more "right" everything is.
In retrospective, writing became much more easy. I don't sit for hours anymore to find the right words, the words themselves will do all the work for me, the only thing I have to do is to write them down. I hope everything will work out well, thank you.