Thoughts on connection (archive)
I haven't really put anything out yet. I mean two posts, but its clearly not enough. I juft feel like I have to let it flow. Yes, I am protecting myself, yes I am trying. It is hard. It is hard indeed. I am trying my best. I just dont really know what to write about. The struggle of me not knowing what to write about? I mean it is valid, but it is also kinda weird. I guesss I will just write something in here, and then if I find something worthwhile I will just polish it slightly and publish it somewhere. I am thinking about bearblog. But it is so weird because I cant really see what here is worth publishing. I mean everything is worth publishing, hoenstly. I just dont know, maybe I am waiting for something more specific. But should I? Those are like my bare thoughts, who would be interested in that? I mean smoeone would. But it is still kinda weird. I dont know. Maybe it is indeed valid. My brain feels numb. But it is still weird. I mean it is not. I am confused.
I feel weird. I feel like I am working so hard to satisfy others. With these colleges and jobs. Thats not fo me at all. I want conection. I want undestanding. I just want to express myself, I just want to connect. Thats all I want now. So much effort, only in order for someone else to be satisfied. It is awful. I just want connection, I just want honesty. Isnt it what truly matters in life? Somethinng beyond merely satisfactory survival? Everything spins around others. I am just trying to protect myself, thats it. Nothing more than simple protection. But I feel like there is some kind of fire inside me, and every time I write it becomes stronger. I like it. It is a form of expression. It reminds me of my own adequacy, and the fact that I can and should be accepted. Because I am worthy, completely worthy and this is not something people have to fight for, it is something that happens natually, you just have to build the road to it, to find the right people, to send the signals, thats all you need.